Imagine starting a sports game where your player refuses to kick the ball. Or loading a shooting game where your character suddenly develops a fear of guns. That would be chaos! This is the strange situation you find yourself in with Earth Must Die. It is a science fiction comedy adventure game made by the studio Size Five Games. The main character, VValak Lizardtongue, is the Grand Shepherd of the Tyrythian Empire. He has a very strict rule: he refuses to touch anything at all. Because of this, the game does not even have a traditional inventory system.
This design choice makes the game stand out immediately. It adds a fresh twist to the classic point-and-click style of gameplay. Early in the story, VValak finds himself in the middle of a chaotic rebel attack. He needs to take the throne of the Tyrythian Empire, but he cannot use force. Instead, he must use his words to convince his two older brothers to kill each other. As a main character, he is truly awful, which makes the game fun. However, 300 years later, his rule is not going well. The planet Tyryth is running low on a re
Almost every problem in Earth Must Die is solved through talking. You do not spend time picking up random items like you do in other adventure games. Instead, you must charm, threaten, or trick characters into doing what you want. Sometimes, you even have to talk to voice-activated appliances. You use information you found earlier to convince them. If you get stuck in a conversation, you can check the huge database of lore inside VValak’s golden nursing robot named Milky. The game does not throw away all the old rules. You still walk around and click on things in the environment. But this is a game where talking is the most important part.
If the writing was bad, this game would fail. Luckily, Size Five Games has a great history with funny adventure games like Lair of the Clockwork God. Earth Must Die continues this tradition. It feels like a British comedy with absurd threats, mixing dystopian satire with silly humor. The world-building is creative, like the books by Terry Pratchett. If you browse Milky’s database, you will find long entries about everything from the Orgymakers Guild to strange species that turn into things to distract people. It also has a touch of Douglas Adams, especially with its vision of a future full of boring bureaucracy. The first part of the game is all about trying to push a single button in a complicated way. Underneath the silly jokes, there is smart writing about power, since you are playing as a dictator.
It is not just the writing that makes the game good. It looks and sounds great too. The animated backgrounds are full of energy and character. They look a bit like old LucasArts games and a bit like Adult Swim cartoons. The cast is full of famous British comedians, which is a big deal. However, it does not always work perfectly. Switching from professional voice actors to comedians who are not used to acting can feel strange. But most of the cast does a great job. Actor Joel Fry has a hard job keeping up with the fast-paced script, but his voice for VValak is very fun to listen to.
After playing for five hours, I am still not completely sure about the game. The main issue is the puzzles. Sometimes the logic is hard to follow. For the first few hours, the game is very straightforward. It is so simple that I worried the game did not have enough variety. But later on, the puzzles become much more creative and clever. There are some very memorable moments involving teleportation and infiltrating an orgy. However, there are also moments where the game does not give you enough information. You sometimes have to guess what to do next through trial and error, which can be frustrating.
Despite these frustrations, the quality of the game keeps me moving forward. It is fun to play the bad guy. It is funny to see a villain trying to be diplomatic when he really just wants to be evil. Mostly, it is fun to get lost in the silly and unpredictable world of Size Five Games. I have seen strange and gross things in this game that you would not believe. How can I be mad at a game that has bugs which vibrate so hard during mating rituals that they become bombs? Just remember the most important rule: no touching.
